My parents tend to push me when I need help doing something, yet when I’ve mastered a task, they always want to help me with it. The pressure began last year when I turned 18. It started when I had a doctor’s appointment. My mom booked it for me, drove me there, and walked me in. However, when we got halfway through the lobby, my mom paused and said to me, “You kinda need to check yourself in because you’re 18 now. Here’s your insurance card, I’m going to go sit down.” I froze in panic. I not only was nervous to talk to someone behind the counter, but I had never checked myself in or used my insurance card before, so I had no idea how to navigate this. I looked at my mom, and she just glared at me and motioned me to go. Once I finally managed to check myself in, my mom added another layer of pressure to this appointment. When the nurse called my name, I stood up and looked at my mom, signaling for her to come with me. She calmly asked me, “Do you just want to go back?” I was frustrated but went back by myself, another thing I’ve never done before. My dad is the opposite, he always asked if I wanted him to go in with me and if I know what I’m doing. It makes me a little frustrated but I’m glad he cares about me mentally. Since that time, I’ve booked my own appointments, called doctors over the phone, and gone into appointments completely by myself (my mom drives me, but I have her wait in the car.) I don’t like admitting it, but doing this stuff myself has really helped me not be so nervous, whenever my mom pressures me to do it I get mad or freeze up. However, my mom always coddles me when I am doing things I already know how. For example, when her and I were traveling, it was time for me to take my medication. It was in her bag, so I asked her to grab it for me. She did, but then proceeded to walk me through the whole process of taking it. She said, “With this medication, you only have to take this amount.” I was frustrated because I have been taking my own medication for years, and knew how much medicine to take. She did the same thing a few weeks ago. She had bought me some cans of condensed soup while she was shopping, and then said to me, “These soups are condensed, so you have to add a can of water to them.” I was frustrated so I told her I knew that already, and my dad must’ve been annoyed with me, because right after that he yelled “Thanks Mom!” I was so mad after that. Does anyone else feel this way? Also,
idk why I had to post a photo, I used this one since it kind of relates lol.
Sounds like mom may be following advice or instructions that have been given to her about how to help you stretch your independence muscles. She’s going against her own instincts when on the spot for something new, that’s why she slides back into helicopter mode when it’s a mastered task because there isn’t pressure there to make you practice a new task.
Her default is the hover worry mode. I think in both scenarios she’s trying to be helpful, I see why it feels strange or frustrating from your perspective though. No one likes to be thrown out of the nest without warning. It feels awful.
I know it felt uncomfortable and unfair but you’ve done amazingly well with that style of support. You make your own appointments, check yourself in, etc. You overcame the initial freeze and it opened doors for you. I think all of it sounds like they’re acts of love. She’s passing you your own empowerment.
I’d just gently thank and remind her when she’s over-parenting on tasks you have mastered. A simple “thanks mom but you already taught me this well and I’m doing good with it. I don’t need help with this particular task anymore. Thank you for worrying though.”
Your frustration is understandable but I think mom might be being coached on how to be a better mom and it comes off clunky sometimes.
And it sounds like you’re doing great. The ambush method sucks but I know with myself if I was told I was checking myself in I would have died before walking into the building and stressing the whole time if you could even get me to go. But once the bandaid is pulled off it makes it easier every time after.
There is a big difference between being given time to prepare for a new thing, and being unexpectedly thrown into something new.
Perhaps ask your parents if they can let you know ahead of time when they will get you to do something, and perhaps get them to talk you through it before you get there so you know what to expect.
I think you did very well considering you had no time to prepare. I did not manage it when my parents first tried this on me. They learned to give me a least a 1 minute warning.
Be an adult or don’t be an adult. If you’re not going to be an adult, then deal with your parents.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t read the community where you responded. But even with that being said, this is a rude remark to someone who is clearly navigating something difficult for them. Be kind.
If you can’t go to a doctor’s appointment or take your medication, then you should be extremely grateful and thankful for the people who take care of you.
“know everything or doing know everything. If you can’t know everything, suffer”
I feel bad that you probably had to deal with parents that thought the same way.
