• ChicoSuave@lemmy.worldEnglish
    22·
    2 days ago

    If Prometheus lost his liver for sharing fire, what did the sea cucumber gift humanity that would deserve cyclical gonad devouring?

    • Phineaz@feddit.orgEnglish
      25·
      2 days ago

      You see, in the Time before the Great Cucumber, Man could not shit, for Prometheus may have given him a Phallus for making love to other men (and, sometimes, procreation as these animals do). Prometheus may have given him buttocks to properly bounce back after every thrust. He may have given man the bipedal walk so that you may walk up to your lover in essentially every setting so that he may receive you in standing, lying, or kneeling. But Prometheus had not considered that from all this, the bowel had become convoluted and tight (which felt nice), too tight to properly shit.

      You see, in ancient times man stored his shit in a discus which was the ideal shape to dry and throw it at people you dislike and to appease the gods who found that really funny. But before doing so, one would have to shit it out first which proved to be nay impossible. So the Great Cucumber saw this and said “A discus is not a shit shape. A penis, that’s a proper shit shape for you.”. And he took the shit and formed it as such, that man could launch it from the deepest of bowels with the force of an angry demigod, or he could take it into his hand and toss it at whoever dishonored the gods. All because the shit was shaped like man’s phallus and could properly fit between his cheeks, for it was shaped to this purpose.

      And the gods saw that and saw that man would throw his digested as javelin upon each other and they were furious, for a javelin was not a discus. And for shitting after eating two bowls of Mediterranean food produced such a girth that man would scream and yell for days in joy when casting his next javelin, and the pleasure was such that he became sated and preferred to lay with (weak, not covered in discusses) women. And the great Zeus was angry, for now man was competing with him and fewer women willingly came to him. And so Olympus said “You who have done this great misdeed, forever be formed in the wretched way you have brought upon this world, and have your shit cause you pain, not pleasure!” .

    • MinnesotaGoddam@lemmy.worldEnglish
      1·
      1 day ago

      the sea cucumber taught us to leave the sea maybe?

      look how happy the octopodes are. that was probably the greatest sin of all