Here’s why I think I’m a selfish person. I have really bad intrusive thoughts, I need to speak with a therapist on this, too. If I were given the choice between Choice A) Anything I want/a million dollars but I have to kill my friend(s) or B) My friend(s) stay(s) alive but I don’t get what I want, I would probably kill my friend. Especially when pressured. But I’m complex. I value human life, pretty much, or any life in general, and don’t want to kill anybody. I would just kill when or if necessary and if I didn’t get caught. I still care about my friendships though, so I don’t say I’m gonna kill them or go out of my way to harm them or our friendship. I would really prefer to have all my friends as is but I feel like if pressured enough between two choices, I would kill to get what I want. I’m so ashamed of this, I feel SO bad.
Understand this:
Whatever one’s current-condition, one changes/transforms through doing/committing/enacting/being.
Transformation takes time.
I guarantee you that no normal person who endures 1/2+ century of life is the same when they’re just finishing adolescence vs when they’re 4+ decades older.
MAKE your unconscious-mind become what you want you to be, if owning-your-meaning is important to you.
So long as you’re living anyways, one might as well, right?
( intentionally-evolving as the default-choice )
Pay attention to the frequency + aggression of the intrusive-thoughts ( just as a monitoring them thing, not letting them crowbar you through your engaging of them ), & see if there are particular people, or situations, which consistently make them worse.
It may be wise to avoid particular people.
There are 2 sides to that:
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if your unconscious-mind is committed to harming someone you value, then it might concentrate on making it worse when they’re around: that indicates that your unconscious-mind needs more, & more-determined, enforcing against its ignorance-dominion games, in order to get it to learn to respect whom you value.
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if your unconscious-mind’s violent/chaos is massively-amplified, in all directions, by the presence of a person/animal/whatever, then get in the ruthless habit of avoiding being in that something’s presence.
Also, the more vicious one’s unconscious-mind is, the purer the evil in it, then the more fundamentally-spiritual one has to become, in order to counter it.
Some people are beginning to understand that this-world is changing… but nobody’s understanding just what a whole-planet sentience-phase-change means.
Dig-in: your karma is going to be a controlling-force on your Soul’s/Continuum’s/ChildOfG-D’s/CellOfG-D’s eternity, so CAUSE it to improve.
Your-life is the “reaping” of what your-soul had previously “sowed”, same as everyone’s.
The fact that you chose to call-into-question the DarkTriad ( which we all have in us, to some degree or another, for all mundane humans ) in you indicates that you have interest in becoming more purely good.
Respect, cherish, & cultivate that, in you, & it will grow.
Perhaps haphazardly, for the 1st years, but as one grows “muscle” of one’s character, that muscle itself grows muscle: it’s a kind of snowballing effect.
Reject “fate”, & earn self-determination.
'tis a good Way.
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I have really bad intrusive thoughts,
Everyone has. I once thought about fucking a relative, beating my lovely dog and throwing my spouse from a balcony. If people deny having them they are not sincere with you.
The answer to your particular situation is that you will never be in a situation of choosing between a million dollar bill and death of a friend.
You know im kinda a passivist. Im not even sure if someone can be a pacifist until their dead. Its kinda like an inverse of the whole recovering alcholic thing. Until you don’t have the capacity to kill anyone its hard to say if someone will ultimately be a pacifist. Its like you try to be a pacifist or want to be a pacifist. I also say kinda because its something that im more determined with the older I get. I mean I have not killed or seriously hurt anyone intentionally so far in my life. Why would I want to have that on me now. Even when young though its like. What do we live. 100 years rounding. Very unlikely to be able to in that last 20 or first 10. I mean what do you actually get from it. Yeah you have the genie setup of a million dollars (which ah is not really so much nowadays. Don’t get me wrong its a lot but if your young it won’t necessarily allow you to not work the rest of your life unless you keep pretty modest.) but that is just not reality. We create ourselves by our actions every moment of every day and again like the alcoholic you can not be one, or be one, or be a recovering one. Every action has that virginity thing. Once you do it, it is a part of who you are. You can vow to never do it again but not erase what is done.
Why am I like this? This depresses me. I try my best to be friendly and kind, but I’m secretly probably a psychopath or something (no offense to people with ASPD)
This symptoms of disturbing intrusive thoughts, points to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Check out OCD, and see if the Obsession part of the disorder lines up with your personal experience. It is likely to ring true when you read it, which is a solid reason to talk to a doctor or get a psychiatry referral.
Signs and Symptoms, not Indicator of Character.
If you don’t get a formal diagnosis and get a formal treatment plan up and running, you’ll be fighting this on Hard Mode.
Don’t diagnose people on the internet. You don’t have the full picture here
Don’t diagnose people on the internet. You don’t have the full picture here
Which is why I suggested getting a formal diagnosis and treatment plan, you wankel rotary engine.
