I think that sometimes I get overly talkative out of anxiety. Like I’m worried that I’m not perceived well so I try to maintain control over the situation, only to find that it isn’t working and then I just kind of give up and shut down. Dunno if that’s quite what they’re getting at though.

As I’ve become more self aware, I’ve started to be open and honest about this. I’ve exited conversations with something like “I’ll be back in a bit. My social battery just emptied and I need a few minutes.”

It’s healthier than taking up smoking to just get away from the noise and go outside. But I’m convinced that’s half of the reason people smoke.

(I will only realise what made me upset two weeks later)

Sometimes I actually look at people when they talk at <I mean> to me

Sometimes, when I need space and people are talking to me, I push them away by making them uncomfortable. Sex and death are two fallback topics that make people not want to be around me anymore. I don’t even realise I’m doing it till after the fact because I disguise it (to myself at least) as humour.

But, it has a lasting impact I recover, I yearn to be around people again, but I’m weird so why would they want to be around me? I don’t blame them, it’s my mechanism that did this, I just don’t know how to recognise it to interrupt it with something healthy.

Except when someone follows me down the rabbit hole, and makes filthy/dark jokes back, I’m comfortable again. Then we feed each other and no-one wants to be around either of us.